Not-So-Easy Fatalities
by Level-5-Tenseiken
Summary: Johnny Cage may not have a medical license, but he has the common sense to realise that most fatalities in the MK universe make no sense at all. He's gonna annoy a lot of people nit-picking their fatalities, but hey, that's just what Johnny Cage does best. Rated T for violence, obviously.
1. Sub-Zero: Spine Rip

"Fatality!"

Shao Kahn's voice boomed through the coliseum. Of the two warriors participating in the previous fight, only one remained standing, the other lying in a pool of his own blood, decapitated. Sub-Zero, the victor, stood proud, holding the severed head and dangling spine of his former opponent.

Having finished his match, Sub-Zero stood among the crowd to watch the remaining matches for today. Unfortunately for him, he happened to have stood next to Johnny Cage himself, the famous movie star who was just as famous for his irritating personality as he was for his acting. "So, ya have an _ice_ time murdering, you _cold-blooded_ killer? Gotta say, watching that sent _chills_ down my _spine_."

Cage was desperately trying to think of more ice puns, but came up short. The Lin Kuei warrior turned towards the movie star. "Johnny Cage, what purpose do you have in this tournament? Surely a mere actor would have no business in an arena such as this?"

Cage was quick to reply. "Surely the spine has no business outside that poor guy's corpse, but heck, someone as _cold-hearted_ as you comes along and BAM, no more spine!"

It was shocking to Sub-Zero that a participant in a Mortal Kombat tournament would care so much about the way the loser died. "What is your point, Cage?"

"My point is that your frosty little fingers shouldn't have been able to do that. I wasn't so good at science in school, but I know for a fact that shouldn't have happened. See, the spine is stuck to all the ribs, right? So, like, shouldn't all of the ribs have broken off of the spine to let that happen? I mean, jeez, I know you're real tough and everything, but I don't think strength and technique like that should even be a thing. If you're tough enough to make someone's spine come out attached to the head, then shouldn't all of your attacks wreck so much and break the crap outta anyone's bones? Hell, with that kinda strength, you should be able to take on Papa Khan there pretty easy!" Cage said, pointing to the emperor of Outworld. Sub-Zero stood silent, astonished that anyone would even bother thinking that hard about a fatality in a Mortal Kombat tournament. "Hey, c'mon, Sub-way, don't gimme the _cold shoulder_! Answer my questions!" He demanded, earning a response.

"I am here to fight. I do not wish to converse with you."

Cage tutted. "Don't wanna talk? Got a _cold_? Or are you just _freezing_ under pressure?" Cage got his last jokes out as Sub-Zero simply walked away from him, trying his hardest to resist punching Cage right in his overly-groomed face.


	2. Sub-Zero: Ice Grenade

I would like to start off this chapter by saying thank you all for the support and positive feedback! You are all wonderful, and I really appreciate it! Regardless, if any of you guys would like to suggest a fatality for Johnny to find flaws in, feel free to PM me and tell me which one to do next! It can be from any MK game, so make a suggestion if you'd like! Anyways, hope you like this chapter on Sub-Zero's Ice Grenade fatality! Enjoy!

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"Fatality!"

The strong prevailed, and the weak had fallen. Only, the weak didn't really fall, as much as they were totally obliterated. Yet another implausible kill had been performed by the notorious Lin Kuei warrior Sub-Zero. Standing far from his weakened foe, Sub-Zero had launched a small icy projectile to the core of his opponent, somehow causing the enemy to explode completely. Hardly a dignified end, but then, this is Mortal Kombat.

Once again, Sub-Zero stood next to everyone's favourite movie star, Johnny Cage. It felt just like déja vu for the poor guy, but unfortunately, it was the only space left available. Sub-Zero suspected that Cage had left that space open on purpose just so that he could ask more stupid questions. Regardless, Sub-Zero had little choice but to stand next to him. "Nice one, Coldilocks, that one was even _cooler_ than last time! You could say that-"

Cage was cut off by the already annoyed ninja. "I have had enough of your immature rambling. Refrain from further commentary should you have nothing important to say."

Johnny chuckled. "What's with that _cold_ stare? Anyways... about that fatality..." The assassin was reaching his boiling point, so to speak, and quickly snapped at Cage's constant mockery and foolish queries.

"No more, Cage! Speak further and you may find yourself to be my next victim." Cage figured it was probably a good time to stop now. If he didn't, Sub-Zero would probably come up with another totally implausible method of murder and test it out on him. Like tearing his entire skeleton out through his lower back, or leaping onto him and self-destructing like some kinda cyber robot dude. Confused about the fatality he had actually witnessed, Cage walked towards Raiden, the God of thunder, who was also standing among the crowd, in the hope that he could find some answers from a wise god.

"Yo! Rayman! Hows it goin'?" Cage asked Raiden, earning only a confused look. "So... about the walking popsicle over there... did you see what he just did to that guy? That was insane!"

Raiden nodded. "Yes, Johnny Cage. One would think a display of power such as that would encourage you to refrain from referring to him as a popsicle, but evidently not." Cage cared little, and just wanted answers.

"Yeah, sure, whatever. So listen, that dude just blew up into little meaty chunks, all cuz he threw a little ice pebble into him. Like, How the heck does that even work? For starters, at that distance, and the way he threw that thing, I'm pretty sure gravity shoulda kicked in and that pebble woulda just dropped and made him look like a total assclown. But hell, even if he threw it that hard, didn't he already throw huge chunks of ice at his opponent during the match, and all that did was freeze him for a couple seconds? Seems to me like Subby-Wubby was goin' a little soft in that fight. But this really bugs me though. Even IF he threw that thing hard enough to hit him, and even IF his other ice blasts weren't strong enough to kill a dude in a split-second, WHY THE HELL DID HE EXPLODE!? It was a freakin' snowball, Raiden! A snowball!"

Raiden stood speechless, totally stumped by all of this. He'd never heard anything of this sort before, and the fact that it was all valid points made it even more shocking. "Johnny Cage... please do not ask such meaningless questions again... they are unnecessary." Cage chuckled, knowing that he had no answers.

"It's ok, big guy. Nice hat." He said, as he walked away, leaving a very confused Raiden behind him.

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Hope you enjoyed it! I have a fatality in mind for my next chapter, but I will gladly postpone it for a suggested fatality! If you'd like, I could mention your name in the chapter you suggested, but of course, that's up to you. See you next time!


	3. Motaro: Decapitation (Suggested)

And now, a suggested fatality from FNAFFRENZYCAT. Motaro's fatality from MK3! Let's be honest, this fatality was super lame. But in order to get this chapter, it might be wise to look it up before reading this, it'll take like, a couple seconds! But anyways, thank you FNAFFRENZYCAT for the suggestion! All other suggestions are still welcome, so PM me if you'd like me to make a chapter based on that fatality! Anyways, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

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"Fatality!"

Failure in Mortal Kombat usually results in death. Following the end of a match, the victor is permitted to finish the opponent in whatever way they see fit. For most, this is either overly extravagant or overly simple. Decapitations are popular, and Motaro felt that a decapitation would be a fitting end to the battle. For whatever reason, Motaro was able to pull off the opponent's head with minimal effort, and defying physics in about five different ways while he did it. Cage, for once, was left near-speechless. NEAR-speechless. Of course, Johnny Cage can never truly be shut up.

"What. The. Crap!?" He had seen many incredible things in his life, but this had to be somewhere near the top of the list. "Are you guys seeing this? Are you guys seeing what I'm seeing!?" Cage looked around to check that everyone else was indeed seeing what he was seeing. Catching sight of both Sub-Zero and Raiden, he decided it would probably be a good idea to talk to Raiden, instead of speaking to the guy who would probably break Cage's jaw if he annoyed him anymore.

"We meet again, Johnny Cage. For what purpose?"

Cage had a lot to get off his chest, so he cleared his throat and prepared to begin. "Alright, Ray-diddy, explain something to me. How the heck did that fatality work? I mean-"

Cage was cut off quickly by the thunder god. "If you wish to speak again to complain about a warrior's preferred method of finishing his foes, I recommend you find someone more willing to listen to your senseless rambling." Raiden was a patient man, but Johnny Cage can test anyone's patience incredibly quickly, god or otherwise.

"No, no, I promise, this'll be quick! It's actually kinda... _shocking._ Get it? Because... you use lightning and stuff..." Cage stopped briefly once he saw Raiden's incredibly disappointed face. Cage cleared his throat again and started anew. "...First of all, that Motaro dude, having a freakin' horse ass complete with donkey kicks has gotta be cheating right? I mean, how freakin' unfair is that? What if-"

"Enough, Cage! Get to your point, or speak no more. My patience is being brought to it's limits by your senseless rambling." For Raiden to be losing his cool, Cage must have already come across as incredibly irritating.

"Ok, ok, so, the dude goes to grab his head, right? And he goes straight past his head and grabs nothing, but there's still blood. Then he moves his arm up and the guys head just goes, just like that, no noise, no nothin'. But, he wasn't holding the head, so he musta decapitated him with his wrist or some crap, and he didn't even move his arm that quick! Just like butter, his head goes pop, straight off the neck cuz the horsey-man slowly moved his arm up in front of his face. I mean, there are guys who use telekinisisism or whatever it is, and that's kinda cheating, put pulling a dude's head off just by waving your arm in front of it is a whole new world of bullshit! Being half camel or whatever doesn't mean ya can cheat the fuck outta everything like that! I wouldn't even be mad if he did something reasonable like, I dunno, sticking his long ass tail up the other dude's ass and breaking him in half like a kit-kat! Dontcha think it's at least a little bit of bullshit, Raiden?"

Throughout Cage's ranting, Raiden was getting more and more irritated by watching Cage get irritated, but in the end, even a god's patience has a breaking point. "Johnny Cage, I care little for your childish complaining, and I grow weary of your presence. Leave now, lest you feel my wrath."

Cage tutted, and held his head in pain as he walked away. Thinking so hard about a telekinetic half-horse thingy tearing a man's head off would cause anyone to suffer a headache. It was probably time to stop thinking and go rest. This wasn't the first implausible kill he saw, and it definitely wouldn't be the last.

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Ok, chapter over! Once again, thanks for the suggestion, and anyone is welcome to suggest more! Go on! Suggest, suggest suggest!

Also, I'm sorry if this chapter seems to be a little less humour focused. I apologize. But I will try my best to add a little more humour into my chapters. I also apologize for the language in this chapter. Hopefully the next chapters will be a little more clean.


	4. Dairou: Ribs In Eyes (Suggested)

Ok, so I got a bunch of suggestions from you guys since last chapter, and I have a list of them to do in order of when I saw them. First on the list is this one, Dairou's MK: Deception fatality with the ribs to the eyes! This one was sugggested by IcedFireFrenzy, and personally, I kinda liked this fatality. Also, I'd like to apologize for not posting a chapter yesterday. I'll try my best to not let hat happen again. Anyways, enjoy!

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"Fatality!"

A strange looking warrior had entered the arena and defeated his opponent decisively in a fierce battle. Only, this assassin was different. He was not a ninja, nor was he a member of any particular clan. This man was Dairou, victor of the aforementioned match and slayer of his former opponent. Causing unimaginable pain for his foe, Dairou used nothing but brute force to tear out sections of the victim's ribs and jam them into their eye sockets, leaving them to slowly and torturously bleed out in a death slower and more painful than anyone would dare to think about. Seeing the needlessly vicious finishing technique first hand, Johnny Cage had to have a word in, obviously.

"Taking someone's ribs out and sticking them in a man's eyes... Where have I seen that before? Oh, right, nowhere, because no one is sick enough to do that to another human being." Whilst this fatality wasn't as crazy as some others, it looked much more painful than most.

"You've never seen a fatality before?" An unfamiliar voice asked. Cage turned towards him to see a blonde man wearing a white sleeveless gi and black pants. It was only as Cage made eye contact with the man that the man realised who he had spoken to. "Oh... You're Johnny Cage, right...? I've heard a lot of... things about you."

Cage's reputation preceded him. "Always great to meet a fan of mine!" Cage said as he pulled out a pre-signed picture of himself and a pen. "Ok, who is this for?"

"The name is Kobra, and if you're gonna write my name down, can you also draw a small bullseye on your forehead for target practice?" Kobra cared very little for Cage or his autograph. He had heard the rumours of Johnny Cage being very... well, being Johnny Cage. "In fact, nevermind. If you're not a member of the Black Dragon Clan, I'm gonna have to finish you!" Cage was confused by this sudden act of hostility, he seemed so nice a few seconds ago.

"Hey, whoa, what? What's wrong with you?" Understandably, he was caught off-guard by this sudden challenge. Luckily, Kobra didn't attack, nor did he even take a fighting pose. Instead, he apologized.

"Sorry if I scared ya, it's just that was the only cool thing I've said since entering a Mortal Kombat tournament. I thought it'd sound cool if I said it this time..." Cage still didn't understand, but he was willing to let this slide.

"Yeah... right... anyways, talking about finishing people, you saw what that Dairou guy did, right? I mean, yeah, I can kinda buy that he was strong enough to stick his hand inside, have a little feel around and tear his ribs out, but with that strength, couldn't he just go straight past the ribs and grab his heart or something? I mean, he could even do that after grabbing the ribs, if he's that obsessed with 'em! So, like, after that, he's got the ribs in his hands, and he's just thinking to himself, what the hell do I do with these now? So then he's thinking, where can I put these so it'll be fatal and not look totally hilarious? So the nostrils were out of the question, and so were the ears, so the only thing left was the eyes. But, see, there's an easy way around all these issues. Just freakin pop their heart when ya had the chance! What a freakin moron!"

Kobra now understood why people found him annoying. If he does this often, it would be more than enough to piss him off. "After what I just heard, I have no idea why anyone would want your autograph. Ever."

"You don't have to be such a douche about it... hey, whaddya think was Dairou's favourite kinda steak?" This question confused Kobra greatly, as it would any sane human being. "I think his favourite kinda steak... is _rib-eye_. Get it? Because ribs into the eyes? That thing Dairou did, get it...?"

Kobra didn't respond. Disgusted by the horrible joke, he just walked away, leaving Cage wondering what he did wrong.

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Aaaaand that's Chapter 4 done! Thank you guys for the support so far and I really appreciate all the suggestions! I'm sorry if this chapter seemed like there was a lot of rambling, I really hope it was good enough for you guys. Anyways, here is my list of upcoming chapters, all suggested by you wonderful people. After these are done, I'll do a couple of my own that I've been wanting to do for a while, and then I'll do some more suggested ones. So anyways, here's the list!

Quan Chi's MKDA fatality, suggested by turn forever you and me

Liu Kang's Kartwheel from MK1, suggested by FNAFFRENZYCAT

And a bunch suggested by tarkatan, Shao Kahn's Double Down, Liu Kang's Fist of Flame, D'Vorah's "Heartbreak" and Drahmin's MKDA fatality.

I may do tarkatan's suggestions with gaps in between to make way for other suggestions, in the interest of fairness.

So anyways, thanks for reading this far and I hope I can make these entertaining enough for you guys! Until next time, see ya!


	5. Quan Chi: Giraffe Neck (Suggested)

Alrighty, Chapter 5, it's late and I'm tired so let's get this show on the road! This is Quan Chi's MK:DA "Giraffe neck" fatality, suggested by "turn forever you and me". I really appreciate this suggestion, and all others, and a list of planned fatalities to do will be at the end of this chapter, so enjoy!

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"Fatality!"

Many disfigured bodies have been left lying on the floor post-fatality in the Mortal Kombat tournaments, but this time, it was truly exceptional. The sorcerer Quan Chi decided against leaving the opponent with several broken or missing limbs, or removing vital organs and instead thought it would be a good idea to leap onto his foe's shoulders and pull his head upwards in such a way that it would not decapitate the victim, but rather stretch the victim's neck to the point of implausibility. Quan Chi's former opponent fell to the ground, either dead, dying, or condemned to a tortured life of having an excessively long neck, as silly as that sounds.

"Hey, buddy, why the long face?" Cage chuckled to himself as everyone in the room made solid eye contact with him as a universal sign of disgust. "Hey, cmon! You guys are too serious, we need some jokes in here!"

"And I take it that's why you're here?" Kung Lao asked, breaking the short silence.

Cage turned towards Kung Lao and saw yet another opportunity for a crappy joke. "Hey there, Oddjob! Grown a bit since I last saw ya didn't ya?" He said, mocking the shaolin fighter and referencing the famous Bond villain. "And to answer your question, yeah. This tournament _needs_ some comedy!"

"The only joke here is you." Kung Lao replied, earning a few chuckles from anyone who disliked Johnny Cage.

"Hey now, I'm the one who does the trash talking here!" Cage didn't like the position of laughing stock and was desperately thinking of a way to bounce back from that insult. Not that it would change anyone's opinion of him.

"You are naught but a fool, Johnny Cage." Quan Chi himself interrupted to deliver his opinion. "Acting the role of a worshipped being, when in truth, you are merely an ant, attempting what will amount only to your own death, come the hour." Needless to say, he did not think highly of the famed movie star.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, alright Chuckles, you have no right to talk trash after that performance just now!" Cage pointed to the body he had left, still with an outstretched neck. "So listen close, you pale creep, cuz I'm only gonna say this once. That fatality was bullshit. Whether you were doing your magic tricks or not, that crap shouldn't have worked. I mean, let's just think about the spine for a minute here. It doesn't stretch like that, no matter how much pixie dust you sprinkle on it. So if it didn't stretch, then it must've just moved upwards, so it detached from all the ribs and the lower body, so he shoulda crumpled like a pancake straight away, but noooo, Mr. Vanilla Yoghurt over here has to fuck physics up. So even then, if he didn't fold like a bath towel, you should have torn his pretty little head off, and took his spine with ya. But noooo, Quan Chi's too fancy for that, so he leaves him looking like some kinda deformed giraffe-human crossbreed when he could have done something with twice the impact and that would have been much easier to take seriously, BUT NOOOO, You gotta bring your love for zoo animals into it and model that poor bastard like some kinda clay pot! If that isn't the lamest, but most messed up thing I've ever seen, I don't know what is!" Cage was finally done with his rant, leaving an awkward silence to settle over the crowd once more.

After some time, Quan Chi responded. "You bore me, foolish one. Be grateful I do not finish you. But should we ever meet in kombat, you will understand the power of my sorcery. Mark my words, Earthrealmer." Quan Chi made his final statement as he disappeared into a large green portal, sick of being around Johnny Cage.

"Hey..." Kobra's voice rang out from the other side of the arena. "When you were talking about that guy, you said, his pretty little head. Are you gay or something?" Many people groaned at Kobra's immaturity whilst he smiled, expecting more people to find his mannerisms, akin to that of a 12-year-old, funny.

"Go away, Kobra." His red-haired Black Dragon associate told him, to which he responded "Ok..." and walked away sulking, not unlike a child.

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And that was Chapter 5! Thank you guys for the support and as always, thank you for the suggestions! I'm gonna start working some of my own choices in there now, if I have the willpower to focus and make 2 chapters in a day. If not, I'll just do suggested ones. So anyways, here's a list of upcoming fatalities!

Liu Kang's Kartwheel

Shao Kahn's Double Down

Liu Kang's Fist of Flame

Sonya's Scissor Split

Unfortunately, I decided against doing D'Vorah's "Heartbreak" and Drahmin's MKDA fatality, as I didn't see much comic potential in there. Instead, I will do the other two suggested by tarkatan, Shao Kahn's and the Fist of Flame. Two out of four suggestions isn't that bad... right? (sorry tarkatan...)

Suggestions are still welcome, and will be added to the list! Thank you!


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